>> jon: that's our show. here it is your moment of zen. >> there are happy crew members in the international space station this morning. listen, people may not know you >> stephen: tonight, an october surprise that could bring down obama. and a rocktober surprise that could bring jethro tull to your town! [ laughter ] then, it's autumn. don't forget to go outside and watch the beautiful changing of mitt romney's positions. [ laughter ] and my guest, chrystia freeland, says the wealthy are leaving the rest of the world behind. yeah. that's kinda the point.

[ laughter ] scientists have found a turtle that pees through its mouth. or has a penis that looks like a face. [ laughter ] this is "the colbert report." [ captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) holy cow. wow. [cheers and applause] ladies and gentlemen, unbelievable. you will not believe -- [crowd chanting stephen] oh, my gosh. thank you. [cheers and applause] welcome to the report, thank you for joining us.

i don't -- folks -- i don't know if can tell with a just happened but i just got buried underneath an avalanche of love. [cheers and applause] a love-alanch, will you will. nation, tonight was the big vice presidential debate between joe biden and paul ryan in danville, kentucky. the whoop-ass in the blue grass, the bare-knucky in kentucky. [ laughter ] now, i haven't seen it yet. nor will i ever. it's a vice presidential debate. [ laughter ] but for the record, i'm betting -- i know what who is going to win because the key to winning one of these debates is to lower expectations about your speaking skills. and biden's been doing that for four years. [ laughter ]

plus he's gonna win. because the liberal media fix is in. >> critics raising concerns about the moderator in tomorrow's vice-presidential clear political bias. it turns out president obama attended abc correspondent martha raddatz first wedding back in 1991. this thing goes deep, folks. [ laughter ] 21 years ago barack obama attended debate moderator. martha raddatz's wedding. who knows what favors were exchanged with an eye toward the inevitable future debate. they all knew it was coming. he knew that. panini press would pay off eventually for the running mate he hadn't met yet. [ laughter ] >> stephen: for twenty years, every time she's made a monte cristo she's whispered "i owe you, barack obama." [ laughter ] and sure, obama was actually just a law school classmate of raddatz's husband julius genachowski who raddatz divorced in 1997.

but what woman doesn't love doing favors for her ex-husband's friends? [ laughter ] so clearly the debate -- the whole thing is meaningless until ryan wins. point is, everything about obama is suspicious. unfortunately, not as suspicious as it used to be. in the good old days, we had a new obama scandal every week. he was a secret muslim; wasn't born in america; doesn't have a birth certificate; and was trained by joseph stalin, jeremiah wright, and general grievous. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] it's like we've run out of ways to make obama seem like a menacing "other." until tonight. folks, the report you're about to see is so explosive, that if you're not wearing socks, please go put some on.

because i don't want to blow your feet off. [ laughter ] jim? i've been a fighter pie lot. i've run for president. i've been an astronaut. i've fought a minataur. i've seen things that would blow your mind. but this changes everything. on tonight's edition of this changes everything. you've heard a lot about obama. i think president obama is dangerous. >> he's a socialist who believes in the redistribution of wealth. >> he doesn't believe there's a fundamental right to have a handgun. >> he studied the koran at a muslim school. >> he will kill us all. >> stephen: but what you are about to hear will change everything. from deep inside long-term parking in portland, oregon, one brave patriot is about to expose

the truth. [ laughter ] >> my name is andrew. i'm a lawyer in private practice in washington state. i have a injureis doctor. >> stephen: okay. >> i earned a bachelor science of advanced math and operations research. >> stephen: great. >> i earned two additional graduate degrees in environmental law and planning. >> stephen: any special skills? anything? >> i was the first american child to teleport. teleport. >> stephen: that's right in 1967, andrew was the first of over 100 children enrolled in project pega social security the top secret space time program. >> i teleported i estimate approximately 40 times between new jersey and new mexico in three seconds. >> stephen: but the jump room

later teleported him further. >> the location they were taking us to was mars. >> stephen: the red planet and wait until you hear who andrew traveled with. >> about a barack h. obama. >> stephen: the president of united states. >> several time is i went to mars with him and was present on the surface with him and others. >> stephen: meaning obama has a secret martian past. a secret past protected by a conspiracy of silence that goes all the way to the e.p.a. and desk of carol browner, former head of e.p.a., obama's friend and climate czar. >> i ran the e.p.a. for 8 years. i worked with the best scientists in the world. teleportation is not clear -- real. >> stephen: really. we found an expert who backs up his claim. >> are you roll something in

please roll. >> stephen: captain please explain. >> you have an electrical today in you'll that is emanating energy. you put a mole kuhl here. -- molecule here. you have a nodule of the opposite positive negative. that mol coal goes -- molecule goes -- like you know how you send, you press send and you are -- [ laughter ] the molecule appears on the other nodule. >> stephen: we know teleportation is real. as for andrew's claim that obama participated in the mars program. that has been confirmed by someone who was there, andrew. >> at one point during the summer he was my room mate. and you don't forget your roommate when you are enrolled in a secret space program for the c.i.a. >> stephen: no, you don't forget your roommate. why won't obama admit his and

his roommate's secret martian past? for answers we turned to the investigator and author of "where is the birth certificate. ". i sat down for an exclusive interview with him by watching a video he posted on youtube. >> surprisingly in a bunch pictures everyone has seen of obama when he was in college he was wearing a wedding ring. >> stephen: but why? >> this say homosexual symbol for women stay away because he's married to his roommate boyfriend. >> stephen: the only possible conclusion, owe balma was gay married to andrew on mars. yes, mars. a planet named for the most fabulous of the gods. and one that the gays have been openly singing about for years. ♪ mars ain't the kind of place to raise a kid ♪

♪ is there life on mars >> stephen: which explains why nasa named the mars rover curiosity. >> i think it's something president obama should be proud of and reveal to the american people. >> stephen: i confronted obama's exoa exeertor with the evidence of his space gayness. >> you know what? we're done with this interview you've all the ridiculous questions you are going to ask of me. i'm done. i'm not answering anymore. thank you. >> stephen: yeah, he's space gay. [ laughter ] and now that that is in the open, who knows what other hidden secret of amazing long distance travel will be revealed next. >> priceline.com. gives you the great deals. [ laughter ] that is another fact but that's not hidden. that is promoted. that is -- we desire the audience to know.

priceline d.t. -- priceline.com is a deal. >> stephen: will the fact that barack obama is a gay-stranaut effect the election? it's too soon to tell. one thing we do know is this changes everything. >> i think it's going to be a long begun long time. the touchdown brings me round to find. ♪ ♪ i'm not the man they think i am at all oh, no i'm a rocket man ♪ ♪ rocket man burning -- >> stephen: we'll be right back. [cheers and applause] [cheers an]

>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. for two years mitt romney has been a severe conservative. but last week he moved to the center in his victorious debate. so which is the real mitt romney? a mystery this deep requires a man who really knows the meaning of "to thine own self be true." me, stephen colbert! this is formidable opponent. [cheers and applause] ♪

[bell ringing] >> stephen, thank you for joining me. >> well, i'll go on any show to promote my new book "america again, rebecoming the greatness we never weren't." [ laughter ] next week, i'm guest-hosting "here comes honey boo boo." 'cuz a dollah makes me hollah! [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] >> well, i'd never stoop that low myself, but i've got to admire shameless self-promotion. >> oh no-- there's some shame. [ laughter ] >> i'd love an autographed copy. >> you bet: okay. here we go. all right. to stephen, you complete me. stephen. all right. there you go. >> thanks very much. >> okay, stephen, voters respond to authenticity. so mitt's clear victory in the 1st debate proves his new moderate values are the real ones.

>> you are adorable. who got sucked in by romney? who got sucked in? you did! >> no, i didn't. >> yes, you did! >> knock it off. >> who doesn't like it when i talk like this? you don't! >> hey, if anyone "fell for it," it's you hard liners when you nominated mitt. for pete's sake, he gave us romneycare. the inspiration for obamacare! >> which he will repeal and replace! >> with more romneycare! >> which he leaves that up to individual states! and i'm sure mississippi will step right up to the plate. [ laughter ] >> he's looking out for the middle class. >> he's promising a 20% tax cut for the top 1%. >> he's also promising to close their tax loop holes, so they'll still pay the same amount. >> then why cut their taxes? [ laughter ]

>> i don't know. but i just don't see how a guy can change his beliefs overnight and still come off as creditable in a debate. >> oh, it's easy. here, let's switch sides. >> uhh...ok. [ laughter ] >> so now you're me. and i'll pretend to be you. i have postulated the theory mitt romney is a secret centrist pretending to be a conservative posing as a moderate. ipso facto, i yield the floor. -- i yield the remainder of my time. [ laughter ] now you do me. >> myah, see, myahh. i know that romney's embrace of moderation is merely a cover for actually being the ultra conservative he was in the primaries. myah. [ laughter ] >> wow, i do a great de niro. [ laughter ] >> yes, you do. >> well, stephen i agree with what you just said. romney's a secret conservative. you win.

>> wait. but i was being you when i said that, so i lose. >> does it really matter who won, as long as i did? [ laughter ] okay, let's switch back. [ laughter ] >> you tripped me. >> sorry. >> well, let's switch sides. >> no, we just did. >> i don't think so. >> no, we totally did. anyway, thanks again for the book. >> wait, you gave me the book. you even signed it for me. >> no you signed it for me. "to stephen. i complete you." >> oh, my god. i don't know who i am anymore. [ laughter ] >> and we only switched positions once. >> imagine how mitt romney must feel. [cheers and applause]

>> i bet pretty good, because it's working. [ laughter ] >> you've got a point. >> and you sir, are-- >> a formidable opponent! we'll be right back. [cheers and applause] [cheers and applause]

>> stephen: my guest tonight has a book that criticizes people who are too rich. i'll make her book a bestseller so she can see how hurtful that is. please welcome chrystia freeland! good to see you. thanks for coming back. you have a new book i find offensive. it's called "pleut crates the rise of superrich and the fall of everyone else." why is that a snrob. [ laughter ] the super-- why is that a problem? the super rich have super earned all their super wealth. this say view that many of the

super rich have. and actually one of my favorite super rich concepts which, i talk about in the book is something that foster freeze. he funded rick santorum in the primary. >> ace good man. >> he introduced me to the concept of the self pac. he talked about his friends who fund symphonies or museums or fill tropic projects. he said why should i give my money to the government to spend on what the government wants. i self tax myself and spend my money on rick santorum. >> stephen: if you watched the primaries rick santorum was a tax on all of us. >> was it money well spent? >> stephen: i like that idea. he said by giving to money by charity it's i tax myself. >> it's a self tax.

it's better than having the government spend money because the government is not as smart as the super rich which spend money the way they want which is better for all of us. >> stephen: we may not need roads or schools but we need the ballet. >> you might not need air traffic controllers because you might have a private jet. >> stephen: i do have i -- i have a private jet. >> there you go. >> stephen: what upset me most is i'm not one of the super rich. >> how much do you make? >> stephen:ly not tell you. the super rich we're talking about is the .001% and higher. >> and up. >> stephen: the 1%eves like me are the 99% compared to those people. >> exact it will right. >> stephen: should i be occupying them? i bet it's a lovely place to occupy. [cheers and applause] >> here is the thing and this is the new thing about the super rich, they are global. and in the 20th century the

american superrich needed the american middle class to have enough money to buy the stuff the super rich were creating. this is the famous henry ford theory. you can have your stuff purchased by the indian middle class, the chinese middle class and you don't rely so much on a prosperous middle class. i think this is politcally a serious problem and part of the reason we're seeing such polarization in the american debate. >> stephen: the sub title is the rise of global superrich and the fall of everyone else. >> yes. >> stephen: if that is true, shouldn't i hitch a ride with the super rich? or at least just do everything i can to get up in the super rich. i don't want to fall. shouldn't i cut the dead weight of friends and family and get up there with the super rich and say i've got mind jack and watch them tumble down? >> this is the tragedy of

america today. if all of us in our own individual like decisions, we see this. this is not a hidden phenomenon. it's a winner take all economy. and we're desperate to get ourselves into that place and our children. you know, why is there so much appreciate sure get into the best kindergarten? to get into the best elementary school? it's not because parents parente crazy. it's because parents see that this is a winner take all society. they want their kids to be among the winners but in terms of collective good this is not a great way to run things, is it? [ applause ] >> stephen: thomas jefferson himself said -- [cheers and applause] you know when a plawd for people other than me, it hurts. [ laughter ] crist clinton crist thank you so much for joining me.